See Santa With Muscles (1996).
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And then you will reach for the nearest dull razor, or butterknife on your property and attempt to gouge your eyeballs out. I've heard through word of mouth how aweful this "film" was, which inspired me to create a bid for it on an internet auction. I could have known I was in over my head when "free, or greatest offer" was the opening bid. Paintball with the cops, fierce wars using styrophome candy canes, exploding crystals, an orphanage with only 3 kids-this "movie" has it all. If you have the occasion to give this one as a gift, go for it. That lucky someone in your life will be begging for coal this coming vacation season.
This film is so bad, it's now considered cruel and unusual punishment under the U.S. Constitution. I want I was exaggerating. If you wish a Christmas movie, go watch Miracle on 34th Road or something. Just stay far, far, FAR, I can't emphasise this enough, FAR AWAY from this horrifyingly terrible film. You've heard the phrase "So bad, it's funny"? Well, this transcends "So bad, it's funny" and ends up just being horrible.
Allow me first tell that this is a movie which I gave a 1/10 stars, but it was one of those "so bad, it's good" types, which is why I gotta tell that it was an enjoyable painful movie experience."Santa with Muscles" was just plain terrible for a number of reasons... Let's Begin.Acting- You know the acting will be subpar when the star of the movie is Hulk Hogan. Hogan is a likeable character, but only in the ring, not the film industry. You would hope that the director would soften the blow to the film by placing Hogan in a cast that he should learn from and enjoy off of - but in this case, he was cast in a miserable selection of actors and actresses that undoubtedly regret becoming a part of this movie. All acting was bad, but there were some enormously terrible acting jobs by Steve Valentine and Kevin West.Plot- Intro to characters was brief and rediculous. Viewers are supposed to purchase into wonderful situations, and are supposed to relate to characters that should be replaced with cardboard cutouts. So the plot is off to a terrible start. It should still recover though... but it doesn't! No surprize. So it is something like this - rich dude goes to mall, hits head, thinks he's santa, saves the day vs hapless thugs, finds orphanage with only 3 kids, wants to save orphanage from evil guy, beats folks up, hits head (on soft garbage), recruits his staff, kicks butt, saves the day, orphanage actually looks like a stage from Richie Rich. RRiiiiigggggghhhhhhhtttttt.Continuity Problems- There are an wonderful number of continuity issues in this film. Ranging from vehicle damage, to vehicle order, room setups, time of day, etc. Was there even an editor hired for this film?Other Problems I Had with the Movie- 1. Blake falls down a multi-story trash shoot (which by the method leaves to the floor and not a trash bin) and wakes up seconds later, soon he falls into soft trash and doesn't wake up until at least hours later. Hmmmmm... 2. It was so great that even after her bedtime Sarah manages to receive ahold of Blake's santa suit and fully alter it overnight. 3. An orphanage with three children (unbelievable itself) uses a facility that it should never afford. 4. A white guy plays the sumo-type thug characters. interesting, maybe they were weak on cast members. 5. Odd that the state allowed an orphanage to exist in the facility that had launch access to old catacobs (complete with plastic skeletons!!), and even more odd that the children were allowed to have a club in the catacombs by their inresponsible caretakers. 6. Once Blake gets his memory back, he fails to remember his childhood! But luckily, one image brings it all back. facinating. 7. Frost's posse contains a geologist, a Canadian chemist, and an electifyingly ugly woman. Not to mention a sumo thug, few guys with t-squares as weapons, and a "doctor." 8. Blake stops a truck moving at 40+ miles an hour, or at least it is supposed to be that speed, but the obvious fastforward and then rewind results didn't work too well. 9. Hapless police carry rocket launchers, fire at will, miss, and then create no attempt to chase after the hummer with a butler, chef, and driver hanging out the top. 10. My favorite... the HORRIBLE one-liners that filled the dialouge of the movie. Bar none the worst was "Santa Sleigh Me." I nearly peed my pants when I heard that. I'll admit, I purchased this film online (used) after I saw it on the IMDB bottom 100. The reviews had me in tears, and I had to experience this movie. Even the reviews couldn't prepare me for a cinema experince of this weak quality. It is a poorly thought out, poorly directed, poorly acted, poorly produced, poorly scripted, poorly casted film that you have must see.1/10 Stars
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