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Avalon 1989
Description: The journey starts when Owen, a travelling swordsman, rescues a girl from some Druids. He offers to support track down her lover who has been enslaved by the evil Morgana. They set off on their quest, accompanied by Keiran, a cowardly thief.
Released: 01 Sep 1989 Director: Michael J. Murphy Writers: N/A Actors: Rob Bartlett, Debbie Beech, Abigail Blackmore, Marina Bolton Genres: Action, Adventure, Fantasy
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Avalon Reviews:

NOTE: This review has SPOILERSThe 'sword & sorcery' category had been around for many years, but it was 1982's 'Conan the Barbarian' that really gave the category other large push, sparking all sorts of imitators, some nice but most bad. By 1989, the revival was cute much dead, with late stragglers like 'Time Barbarians' and 'Barbarian Queen II' embarrassing themselves upon entry. That said, there's something about the category that has an appeal no matter how generic the product might be. Maybe it's the uniqueness of the time frame and setting, allowing for escapism from the modern times, or maybe it's the ability to have at its disposal all sorts of interesting methods to transport a storyline thanks to elements of fantasy, adventure, and magic. That's why I watched 'Avalon', since I am a sucker for such things. I should not have prepared myself for what it would now turn out to be. The film begins with what any red-blooded American (or, in this case, British) sword & sorcery flick would begin with: a virgin sacrifice by druids! (Note to self: Avoid druids at all costs!) Along comes our muscular main hero, Owen (Stephen Harris), who frees a captured thief and the damsel in distress from the druids in a very laughable war scene, resulting in the trio fleeing to the shoreline. That's where we learn about them: Owen is a fighter from a distant land that is searching for the mysterious island of Avalon, told to be a limbo for dead souls and ruled by an enchantress called Morgana (Debbi Stevens). Legend has it that the corpse of Lord Arthur had been taken there to rest "until the globe needs him again". We learn MUCH soon that this means if the sword Excalibur is placed in the dead Lord Arthur's hands his ghost will wipe out all the magic in the world. The rescued girl is Clotilde (Abigail Blackmore), who is also seeking Avalon as her beloved Edwin went there to also search Lord Arthur and never returned. The thief is called Keiran (Rob Bartlett), and he decides to mark along in the quest because he's got nothing better to do, and to receive his hands on the treasures of Avalon. While chatting on the beach, they are overheard by none another than Merlin the Magician, who offers to support them in their journey. At first it was difficult to say what was wrong with Merlin when I first laid eyes on him. It seemed like a terrible makeup job, but then I realized that the actor (Patrick Olliver) was wearing a terrible old boy mask, hence why his mouth was not moving when he spoke and it appeared he had no eyeballs. Using his magic, Merlin turns himself into a strapping young man. He soon tells he can only keep this form for a short time, but he doesn't now switch back until the end of the movie, which is the first of many signs that Merlin is just full of it. Owen spies a boat on the shore and suggests taking it to the island, but Merlin uses magic to create the boat vanish, claiming it is a trap set by Morgana to lure them to the island (which makes no sense . . . after all, the DO wish to go to the island!). Merlin instead suggests that they SWIM to the faraway island. Once there, Merlin departs, telling he has something he has to do. That something is to visit the Lady of the Lake to retrieve Excalibur. Merlin and the Lady were once a romantic item, and Merlin sleeps with her before continuing on his quest, obviously feeling no need of urgency in the matter. The Lady of the Lake tells that Merlin may have the sword provided he returns it and he himself gotta remain with her forever, spoken like it was some terrible final destination. I think any elderly boy would be ecstatic for such an eternity. While Merlin is fooling around, Morgana's minions quickly capture Clotilde and create her a mindless slave. Owen and Keiran plan on rescuing her by entering a fighting competition Morgana just happens to be holding. This leads to scenes of Morgana and her female apprentices trying to seduce our heroes in between fights. Merlin eventually shows up, inserts himself into the tournament, and uses magic to immediately hack his method through. This leads to more scenes of the heroes, this time Merlin included, getting seduced before some more chicanery involving sword fighting, lame magic, and an absolutely silly climax. There is a lot more absurdity going on than I am willing to divulge. While my heart goes out to the filmmakers that were really trying with their $75 budget, I can't support but call a spade a spade. This is a film to sit down with mates so you can mission and laugh at it. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10



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